The Tyranny of Excess

Its funny how we in America can take so much for granted. Clean water, gasoline, 24-hour White Castle, penny draft night, basically the ability to get pretty much whatever we want whenever we want, and of course the basis of this grisly tale: Electricity.

Last night a cataclysmic event took place which forced me to reshape my perspective on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I got home from class around 7:30 and decided I’d had enough algebraic fun for one day and was going to put on the television and let all the mathematical crap drip out of my head while watching a movie that would surely disappoint. So I took a shower and then proceeded to assume my state of lethargy. I sat on the couch and was immediately transformed to a happier place, where there were no despotic institutions like work or school to worry about, and where I could manufacture an imaginary world where God was created in my likeness and I was the supreme ruler.

This rare utopia was short-lived. After about 10 minutes I heard that despicable sound that accompanies a power outage; and then there was darkness. I do not know what wrong I must have committed to irk the Supreme Being to take such a vile course of action with me. With the temperature topping ninety-five degrees and what had to be one thousand percent humidity, this was just about the worst situation that could have possibly popped up. Death by a thousand cuts you say, or perhaps a very dull guillotine? Those things are like a bubble bath compared with sweltering to death.

I had two air conditioners, the television, the radio, the DVD player, the VCR, every light in the house, my electric razor, my cell phone, and of course the refrigerator running. I thought it was my God-given right to run every damn appliance I owned at the same time, as long as I could pay the electric bill. Should I not be rewarded for simply being me by pampering myself in the squalid confines of my depressing haunt? If a man is not the king of his castle in this age of hedonistic decadence, then life is completely meaningless.

So I have to assume the dual air conditioners were the straw that broke the camel’s back. This is a terrifying prospect. If I cannot run my air conditioners then I will perish; plain and simple. I have a big problem with heat. As most “normal” people can’t wait for the advent of summer, I dread it to the point where I become chronically depressed two months before the season even begins. This may be caused by the abnormal condition in which I sweat. As soon as the temperature becomes unsuitable I immediately start dripping from my head, neck, back, chest, arms, and feet. It soaks through my wardrobe and makes me look ridiculous.

I have learned, through twenty-nine years of exhausting pain and frustration, to deal with this calamitous disorder. Whether at work, school, or just out socializing, I accept my evolutionary rank and persist. But when I’m home, doing nothing in particular, I refuse to concede defeat. I will run my air conditioner when I’m not home, if I’ll be gone overnight, even if I’m on a weekend retreat. Dollar signs are not an issue to me in this regard. My feeling is that since I drive a fuel efficient automobile, I have every right to be wasteful with electricity. Sound senseless? Well most desperate justifications for erratic behavior are. Acting unilaterally, I essentially buck the entire system of laws and human decency to stay cool at home. It’s all about selfishness. This is the only area of life where I allow Satan to lead me away from the path of righteousness and onto the horrifying road of repugnance.

I reside in an old building and this is not the first time the power went out. So when it happened I was well-prepared to act quickly and decisively. The breaker is located right behind the refrigerator. I rushed to it and began ignorantly flipping switches. Nothing happened. I repeated the process. Again nothing. Now I was getting stressed out. When the power goes out in the summer you have literally 3-4 minutes before the residual conditioned air diminishes and your place becomes a microwave oven on high-heat. After trying several more times to correct the ruination of my night, I gave up and ran from the apartment screaming and sweating.

I needed instant gratification. I hopped in my car and blasted the air conditioner. Within thirty seconds I was feeling much better. Now I had to formulate a plan. I had to survive through the night. Re-entering the jungle-like climate of my apartment was out of the question. I got it! I got on the horn and informed a friend of mine that I was coming to stay the night at his house. There’s that selfishness again. The inconvenient formality of asking didn’t even enter my mind. It didn’t need to. There’s no time for that nonsense in life-or-death situations. He agreed.

I went and slept on his couch, fully comfortable with the cool temperature. In fact it was quite cold. I was a happy man. I forced myself to forget about my dilemma and drifted off to sleep.

When I awoke I was thrust into the harsh reality once again. I had to go home and get ready for work. I wasn’t worried. Surely my power would be back on by now. I arrived at the building and was instantly pleased. The hum of air conditioners and the brightness of the lights were obvious indicators that all was well with my building and it’s neighborly residents. I went inside and turned on the a/c. Nothing! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! What the &%$? This must be a conspiracy, with everyone acting a particularly brutal part. It was 6:30 in the morning and not yet unmercifully hot so I dealt with the slightly uncomfortable climate inside and got myself together for work. I would just have to call PSE&G when I got there.

Fixing the whole ordeal was a lot less painful than I though it would be. A couple of exchanged phone calls was all it took. But the mental, physical, and spiritual toll it took on me will be felt for weeks, if not months, possibly even years. When I get home today I’m confident that I will have power. But the fear of not having power will forever be on my mind and if it happens again it’s quite possible that I may not survive the dreadful ordeal.